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Some games are better than sex
We’ve all been there, first you get a craving for it, then you invest time, money and effort getting hold of it, but after only a few minutes of wildly jabbing your joystick you’ve had enough. The only thing which will get you interested again is maybe a completely different game, with better graphics or a bigger box (!) Such is the current state of mainstream gaming.
I’ve started taking an inhaler into my local games shop, in preparation of an apathy attack. Sure, there have always been bad games; I had a particularly nasty experience with Spawn of evil back in 1983, but enough of my trouser habits. Why are there now so many dull games, and sequels to dull games? Is it any wonder that hardcore gamers are returning to their gaming roots? To times when playing for points really counted, and games could be completed quicker than they took to load.
There are several distinct types of retro gamer. First there’s the nostalgic, intent on buying everything they owned when they were a child, and then everything they wanted to own when they were a child. This gamer still wears a digital watch, and will eventually fill his house with arcade machines he played once on holiday.
Next is the Player, this cool gamer is an expert at playing games, the one with the six deep crowd around him on the Dance Dance Revolution machine. He can finish Strider with one life, though only if someone is watching. He knows the names of all the characters in Ninja Gaiden, and can physically show you the extra special moves in Super Street Fighter 2. He’ll argue that the Saturn is better than the Playstation to the point of death.
How about the Completist, this gamer wants every game for the formats he collects for. If he already has them all, he wants them boxed complete, if they already are, he wants the original receipts. His insatiable appetite for games is balanced by his complete lack of interest in playing them. He doesn’t like animals, and his favourite food is anything shrink wrapped.
Next up is the Hobbyist, this gamer likes thinking games and has been known to play The Sentinel wearing a blindfold. He fashions himself on Sir Clive Sinclair and hand built a replacement power supply for his BBC Model B. He preferred the Gobots to Transformers, and longs to have a best friend who’s a robot called Dave, and one day he’ll get round to building him.
Then there’s the Puritan, this gamer sees games as art. He prefers Robotron and Alter Ego to Final Fight or R-Type, and pretends to know Jeff Minter personally. He spends evenings with friends showing them games without actually playing them, and despises anyone who plays Rez without the rumble pack strapped to their belly. In private he straps the rumble pack onto his cat’s belly.
Finally, the Dabbler. Persuaded by friends and magazines, he dabbles on the fringes of the retro scene. He tinkers with emulation, and dreams of Mame on the Xbox 360. He’s on the cusp of buying a Commodore 64, but doesn’t think it will go with his carpets. He thinks he’s got a better life outside of gaming but searches in vain for a girlfriend who knows how to cast spells in Dungeon Master without looking in the book.
Of course, most of us are a subtle blend of all the above. Just because we enjoy games well past their sell by date, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the best of what’s new. My definition of a retrogamer (though I prefer Adult Gamer) is someone who’s long history in the world of videogames prevents the sparkle of new technology hiding a lack of gameplay.
And a brief word for those publishers who’ve burnt the toe they dipped into the retrogaming pond. Ouch!! Trying to improve on the past just doesn’t work, just look at the Terminator 3 movie. If you re-make a classic videogame, for example Defender, it has to be better than the original to attract the adult gamer. To bridge the gap to the mainstream gamer, it’s got to be a revolution. And no, Defender 2000 wasn’t it. Why set your sights so high? Instead of trying to exploit old games, research what makes them so good, and use the knowledge to come up with something even better. For example, Tetris, saviour of the Gameboy and the number one game with Mums, proves the size of the market for truly original games.
The adult gamer’s thirst for original electronic experiences inevitably leads back to retrogaming, but wouldn’t it be great if the diverse range of gaming which existed in the eighties could be born again. Western gamers will be looking enviably at the Japanese release schedules for some time, but how long before even their ingenious concepts are watered down for the mass market. Hopefully not before the release of Konami’s PS3 vibrating underpants attachment. Dance Pants Revoluthong anyone? I told you, some games are better than sex.
So, same old message then, retrogaming is growing because unlike the past, our current games industry refuses to allow the many talented developers a free reign with design, they are quite literally eradicating originality. Long live Retrogaming!
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